On Solitude. Do I really need anyone?

On Solitude, and can I really be alone?

I have always been up for solitude. I have dinners in college at odd timings. I try to avoid rush. I always think that If I need anyone it is myself. Don’t get me wrong. I have some really close friends which I won’t trade for anything. But there is no exclusivity with anyone. I think, I can be the best bestfriend I can ever have.  And it works out too. You have books too, you can always escape there. Escaping seems to be something I have become really good at. If I have a problem, I don’t think about it. I try to ignore it as much as I can. I hate confrontations. I am not good at conversing with people in groups. I am only comfortable with one on one conversation.

So anyway, before this becomes more random. Can you really ever be alone and be happy? You can do away with it most of the time. But its only when you a hit a low you realize. I panic when I hit a low. I bash out at people. I start expecting a lot from people suddenly. I am unfair to them. At these moments, I realize who is really close to me, even though usually I’ll say nobody. But there are people who come to my mind. People who I want to talk with right now, I want them to be there for me. Now, its really unfair to them. I can’t expect them to be there on a single day, and not be there for major part. It is like I am using them, just to get away with my ephemeral misery. Some are unavailable at that time, some get irritated by sudden expectations from them, because usually I am not there to return the favor.  So I get more frustrated. I end up sending messages to people that I shouldn’t.  I open closets and find skeletons, and end up spending a lot of time with them. I like spending time with them. But the more I stay, the more messed up I get.  So , nobody comforts me enough to pull me out of my misery. It dies down. I end up listening to some music, reading and writing. This writing is a result of that.

But then again, it is me who is helping me while I am writing this.  I can always rely on myself. There are people I look for help, and occasionally there are a few who always want to help. And sometimes I just want to know if they want to help. I like to see them try, and know that they are there for me.  But there is none on whom I can rely on more than I can rely on myself. Or probably, I haven’t met that one yet. But there’ll always be me. And writing, ofcourse. 

Ps. Please comment here. You could always tell me personally, but here it will stay forever.