Your absence is what I love

This is something I wrote long back. I am letting it out. It is kind of liberating, even though it doesn't mean anything.

You Absence is what I love. 

This is really strange. The time after we fight, the time when we don’t talk, that’s the time I love you the most.  Its when we don't talk, its when I miss you the most. It’s the time I only remember the good memories from before.  It’s the time when I am calm, I am forgiving, I am waiting for you. I know everything will be good.

But then we are back together, we become rude, we became miserable and pathetic.

It's like we think we are through the hard part, and we can behave however we want.

Its funny. We are so strange. We fight with each other because we don’t get to spend time with each other, and end up spending even less time with each other. How is hate inspired by the need of love different? We respect each other, we long for each other when we are not talking, we acknowledge each other’s absence and the loss, we hope for a better time ahead, but when we have each other again, we screw it all up.

Trust me, I am happier when we don’t talk.  I am calmer then. There is this feeling that whatever would come now would be better as we just passed through the worst. Lately, I long for that feeling rather than actually being with you and seeing whether what we hoped for is true or not.  

On letters and memories.

Hello :)

The only thing I've done today is watched two episodes of Seinfeld and sleep. Seriously, nothing else.

But I like how I have this urgency to write something before midnight, and I have only 2 hours. The motive behind starting the blog is working very well.


On letters and memories,

Or cheating your way to being remembered. Haha.

Letters.
I have always been fascinated by hand written letters. Always. Though i never got many. I've told this to people who are close to me before. I am in general very passionate about the written word. How everything written is permanent and stays. How anyone could write, and how everyone is a writer. You just have to write what you think, how difficult can it be? It's probably those pseudo-intellectual writers who keep using fancy words and metaphors which are really not needed, that scare away people from writing. 

You just have to write what you think. Its like listening to your mind, and just jotting it down. I will save this for another post, on why i love writing so much and why everyone should write. 

Today it is about letters.
 Recently, i have received and written a lot of notes and letters. But most of them are farewell notes and goodbye letters. They are neatly stacked in my drawer of little things i have saved up from the starting of college. Little things, from clips to an Orange from first semester which has now solidified to an extent that it can be used as a ball. It leaves a tangy smell on you after you've played with it for a while. I love collecting such pieces which will trigger back memories many years down the line. Yes, in a way i love staying in the past. In a romantic sort of way. I am always looking for souvenirs of moments and nights. I even remember saving my first parchi when i was caught by the traffic policeman for driving late night. To think of it now, it makes me remember everything about the day and the pillion.   

I remember reading, "Don't have time to think?" . It is a collection of letters exchanged between Richard Feynman and the people around him. I was really fascinated. You actually get an insight into how these people think. With so much clarity and rationality. The conversations are so pure with real emotions, with words that do justice to the emotions. Unlike conversations nowadays, conversations are short, of not much importance. They don't leave a mark on you. Years down the line, i don't think I am going to remember many conversations i had with people which are close to me. Conversations online are sick and invaded by cute looking parasites like :P's . Their population in each conversation is alarming. Yellow everywhere. I even use them instead of full-stops. Our vocab is binary, with 'faad', 'rad' or 'epic' used for anything good and 'sad' used for anything bad. Seriously. We've oversimplified the beauty of emotions so cheaply.

I really wish i end up gathering a lot more letters by the end of my college life. But i just cannot wish for them and wait. I've decided to write letters, at least one, to people whom i think i was unjust with, people who i think deserved better and people who mean so much to me but don't know about it. Hand written and to be posted by mail. Its a forceful way of making sure you are remembered down the line. 

Well, i came across this interesting Ted back which inspired me to write today's blog post.
They explain it in a better way. Please watch both of them.

She has an interesting point. When she says that she holds the letter which once his father touched. It was sort of a connection. As i said, letters are ways of explicitly making sure that you will be remembered by the person who means a lot to you. You'll always know, whatever ups and downs you had with them, this letter and everything said in it , will always stay.

This one particularly being my favorite. 

I just love what she is doing. Imagine waking up one day with a bunch of letters about you from people you had no idea existed. She operates a site. So if you sign up , they tell you the next time they are writing letters for someone, and you can join in and write something as well. Imagine, making somebody's day special somewhere across the world.

Here is the link to it.

http://www.moreloveletters.com/

Do check the website out. She has written some amazing letters.

For example this, i guess everyone in college should read.

http://www.moreloveletters.com/2011/12/07/put-down-the-textbook-and-read-this-a-love-letter-for-the-college-students/

So I have added two things to my bucketlist today,

• Write a love letter to  a stranger
• Write a letter to someone I know

Sorry for the hurried up post, I just made it on time. I haven't even proofread. Only 5 minutes to go. 

Dear reader,

Please subscribe and comment or better, 
write me a letter and i'll write back :)

B - 213,

hall of residence men DA-IICT, near indroda circle Gandhinagar, 

Gujarat 382007

(I am not sure if this is creepy, But what the hell?)

Yours,
Nisar.

Ps. I could have written a lot more. But can't break the rules. Maybe a follow up post.

On Solitude. Do I really need anyone?

On Solitude, and can I really be alone?

I have always been up for solitude. I have dinners in college at odd timings. I try to avoid rush. I always think that If I need anyone it is myself. Don’t get me wrong. I have some really close friends which I won’t trade for anything. But there is no exclusivity with anyone. I think, I can be the best bestfriend I can ever have.  And it works out too. You have books too, you can always escape there. Escaping seems to be something I have become really good at. If I have a problem, I don’t think about it. I try to ignore it as much as I can. I hate confrontations. I am not good at conversing with people in groups. I am only comfortable with one on one conversation.

So anyway, before this becomes more random. Can you really ever be alone and be happy? You can do away with it most of the time. But its only when you a hit a low you realize. I panic when I hit a low. I bash out at people. I start expecting a lot from people suddenly. I am unfair to them. At these moments, I realize who is really close to me, even though usually I’ll say nobody. But there are people who come to my mind. People who I want to talk with right now, I want them to be there for me. Now, its really unfair to them. I can’t expect them to be there on a single day, and not be there for major part. It is like I am using them, just to get away with my ephemeral misery. Some are unavailable at that time, some get irritated by sudden expectations from them, because usually I am not there to return the favor.  So I get more frustrated. I end up sending messages to people that I shouldn’t.  I open closets and find skeletons, and end up spending a lot of time with them. I like spending time with them. But the more I stay, the more messed up I get.  So , nobody comforts me enough to pull me out of my misery. It dies down. I end up listening to some music, reading and writing. This writing is a result of that.

But then again, it is me who is helping me while I am writing this.  I can always rely on myself. There are people I look for help, and occasionally there are a few who always want to help. And sometimes I just want to know if they want to help. I like to see them try, and know that they are there for me.  But there is none on whom I can rely on more than I can rely on myself. Or probably, I haven’t met that one yet. But there’ll always be me. And writing, ofcourse. 

Ps. Please comment here. You could always tell me personally, but here it will stay forever.