I am scared.

I am scared. 

Recently I decided to do something. It is a grand plan. Everything about the plan is appealing. So yes, planning part is done. Finally the confirmation came from the other side and the plan started materializing.

I'll tell you what the plan is soon, even though many people already know it. I think I can tell you soon because I can finally see it as happening.
Keep your goals to yourself. This is one the best things I have learned. Check this TED talk without fail.

It started becoming real. And I got scared. I am really scared. But no one really gets it. I shared my feelings with few, but all they have is how wonderful it would be when I do it. How amazing it would be, and how everything will be okay in the end.I really appreciate it. But it really doesn't work that way. I know they are trying to help, and I do look for comforting words at times, but the ones I get are not the ones I want. Maybe words won't help. Maybe someone should just sit besides me and accept the fact that the plan is scary. No overly optimistic words. Someone who just accepts it that i am scared and sits in silent solidarity with me for some while. At least we would be on the same page. Then 'we' will know it'll be alright.

 There is this constant pain in the back of my head. I am tensed. There are even moments when I think of giving up. Letting go of the plan. Telling myself that thinking of the plan was good enough, I don't really need to do it. 

This is not the first time that this has happened. It happens many times. Whenever I plan to do something which will be really great. Something which is not ordinary I get scared and the prospect of going by everyday routine is appealing and somehow warm. 
I get this feeling before playing important football matches. I clearly remember this before the semi-final against PDPU during Concours'12. I was scared. But it wasn't the fear of losing. It was something different. 

It was then that this quote by Marianne Williamson (paraphrased in Coach Carter) finally made sense to me. Every word of it. 

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we're liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others"

Please check the Zen Pencil version of it.

I guess i have a similar fear right now. Actually, exactly this. 

That football match was the best game I had ever played till now. That feeling was amazing. We went ahead and won the finals too.


Our comfort zones, are damn too comforting. The fear of unknown is really getting at me. But I think this trip is all about getting over it. And once I am done with it, the feeling would be something similar.

Opening old wounds.

This is the last senti note I am posting for a long time now.

Again it is something I had written long back. And I am not editing it before posting. Long back. Please don't try to connect the dots because they won't.



Opening up old wounds .

When something bad happens between you and someone you love, what follows is untameable anger and hatred. But as time passes by you fall into a stage where you just stop remembering the person. As if something never happened between you both. You are completely oblivious to the past event. Then comes the part, where small things trigger nostalgia. Your jacket, some particular song, some smell, or your accidental reading of old diaries. This phase is strange. You finally start thinking about your past more clearly. You still hate the person for what he or she did to you, but at the same time you cherish the sweet memories you shared with that person. You are suddenly calmer, but there is this urge building up in you that wants you to be at peace with your past. What is one to do then? Does one let go of old prejudices and ego and reach out to him or her. Or one should learn to let go and accept the fact that things always happen for a reason? Are some chapters permanently closed in our lives? What stops us from opening them? Is it the fear of facing the similar old fate? Is it fear of confrontation? Or is it just plain ego? Don't people who were once so special to you deserve another chance? It’s like, opening up old wounds and letting the blood flow but at the same time enjoying the pain and the rush it gave the first time. Well, it’s time to mend the wounds.

Present note:

Funny thing, because I can now tell you how it went. Though most of the questions are still unsolved. 

However many times I have tried opening old wounds, it has been a temporary affair. It lasts a very little time. There is something so fascinating about the past. That is why I always end up opening old wounds. It gives me a high, everything seems to fall in place. There is something so fascinating about discussing what ifs. And everything feels alright. But it doesn't last. Sooner or later you realize why it didn't work. And poof! you are back to your old life. Your trip ends. Its good that you are at peace with it at least, but   expecting everything to be the same is too much to ask for and I have stopped hoping for it. Some people are meant to be in your life for a certain time and in retrospect you'll realize their role. Asking them to overstay, demeans the role they played. 

Your absence is what I love

This is something I wrote long back. I am letting it out. It is kind of liberating, even though it doesn't mean anything.

You Absence is what I love. 

This is really strange. The time after we fight, the time when we don’t talk, that’s the time I love you the most.  Its when we don't talk, its when I miss you the most. It’s the time I only remember the good memories from before.  It’s the time when I am calm, I am forgiving, I am waiting for you. I know everything will be good.

But then we are back together, we become rude, we became miserable and pathetic.

It's like we think we are through the hard part, and we can behave however we want.

Its funny. We are so strange. We fight with each other because we don’t get to spend time with each other, and end up spending even less time with each other. How is hate inspired by the need of love different? We respect each other, we long for each other when we are not talking, we acknowledge each other’s absence and the loss, we hope for a better time ahead, but when we have each other again, we screw it all up.

Trust me, I am happier when we don’t talk.  I am calmer then. There is this feeling that whatever would come now would be better as we just passed through the worst. Lately, I long for that feeling rather than actually being with you and seeing whether what we hoped for is true or not.  

On letters and memories.

Hello :)

The only thing I've done today is watched two episodes of Seinfeld and sleep. Seriously, nothing else.

But I like how I have this urgency to write something before midnight, and I have only 2 hours. The motive behind starting the blog is working very well.


On letters and memories,

Or cheating your way to being remembered. Haha.

Letters.
I have always been fascinated by hand written letters. Always. Though i never got many. I've told this to people who are close to me before. I am in general very passionate about the written word. How everything written is permanent and stays. How anyone could write, and how everyone is a writer. You just have to write what you think, how difficult can it be? It's probably those pseudo-intellectual writers who keep using fancy words and metaphors which are really not needed, that scare away people from writing. 

You just have to write what you think. Its like listening to your mind, and just jotting it down. I will save this for another post, on why i love writing so much and why everyone should write. 

Today it is about letters.
 Recently, i have received and written a lot of notes and letters. But most of them are farewell notes and goodbye letters. They are neatly stacked in my drawer of little things i have saved up from the starting of college. Little things, from clips to an Orange from first semester which has now solidified to an extent that it can be used as a ball. It leaves a tangy smell on you after you've played with it for a while. I love collecting such pieces which will trigger back memories many years down the line. Yes, in a way i love staying in the past. In a romantic sort of way. I am always looking for souvenirs of moments and nights. I even remember saving my first parchi when i was caught by the traffic policeman for driving late night. To think of it now, it makes me remember everything about the day and the pillion.   

I remember reading, "Don't have time to think?" . It is a collection of letters exchanged between Richard Feynman and the people around him. I was really fascinated. You actually get an insight into how these people think. With so much clarity and rationality. The conversations are so pure with real emotions, with words that do justice to the emotions. Unlike conversations nowadays, conversations are short, of not much importance. They don't leave a mark on you. Years down the line, i don't think I am going to remember many conversations i had with people which are close to me. Conversations online are sick and invaded by cute looking parasites like :P's . Their population in each conversation is alarming. Yellow everywhere. I even use them instead of full-stops. Our vocab is binary, with 'faad', 'rad' or 'epic' used for anything good and 'sad' used for anything bad. Seriously. We've oversimplified the beauty of emotions so cheaply.

I really wish i end up gathering a lot more letters by the end of my college life. But i just cannot wish for them and wait. I've decided to write letters, at least one, to people whom i think i was unjust with, people who i think deserved better and people who mean so much to me but don't know about it. Hand written and to be posted by mail. Its a forceful way of making sure you are remembered down the line. 

Well, i came across this interesting Ted back which inspired me to write today's blog post.
They explain it in a better way. Please watch both of them.

She has an interesting point. When she says that she holds the letter which once his father touched. It was sort of a connection. As i said, letters are ways of explicitly making sure that you will be remembered by the person who means a lot to you. You'll always know, whatever ups and downs you had with them, this letter and everything said in it , will always stay.

This one particularly being my favorite. 

I just love what she is doing. Imagine waking up one day with a bunch of letters about you from people you had no idea existed. She operates a site. So if you sign up , they tell you the next time they are writing letters for someone, and you can join in and write something as well. Imagine, making somebody's day special somewhere across the world.

Here is the link to it.

http://www.moreloveletters.com/

Do check the website out. She has written some amazing letters.

For example this, i guess everyone in college should read.

http://www.moreloveletters.com/2011/12/07/put-down-the-textbook-and-read-this-a-love-letter-for-the-college-students/

So I have added two things to my bucketlist today,

• Write a love letter to  a stranger
• Write a letter to someone I know

Sorry for the hurried up post, I just made it on time. I haven't even proofread. Only 5 minutes to go. 

Dear reader,

Please subscribe and comment or better, 
write me a letter and i'll write back :)

B - 213,

hall of residence men DA-IICT, near indroda circle Gandhinagar, 

Gujarat 382007

(I am not sure if this is creepy, But what the hell?)

Yours,
Nisar.

Ps. I could have written a lot more. But can't break the rules. Maybe a follow up post.